Growing up without a father nor a male role model, Reginald had low self-esteem and didn't know how to behave towards women. He noticed his wife's violent tendencies as soon as they met. She would have fits and throw things, or just keep saying nasty things about people generally, particularly about Reginald's family. Reginald thought that marriage would change her and calm her down but soon after the wedding, things took a turn for the worst. Reginald kept on loving her thinking that she would change, but it only made things worse.
Reginald refused to divorce his abusive wife, not wanting his own children to grow up without a father just like he did. He also grew up in church and was taught that divorce belonged to the devil's children, so he stayed on. Reginald lied to family and friends about the bruises on his body from his wife's beatings and once, when she stabbed him with a screw driver, he lied to the doctor that his hand slipped while fixing his car.
Dr. Thomas Snow a counselor and psychologist says that the number of female batterers is growing more rapidly now than ever before and the climate is changing. It's like 'You did it to my mother, you did it to my aunt, but, hey, that's not going to happen to me. Women, when they feel hurt are vulnerable and from hurt, they get to anger. When women are angry, they don't know how to properly, dispense with it, so what do they do, they talk to another girl who would say, ‘If I were you, I wouldn't take this. This is what I would do'.”
Reginald gave his heart to the Lord and according to him, 'the actual man in me woke up. It's like God was saying, Okay, now you're a man.” He now knew he should be the captain of the home according to the word of God and his wife was meant to submit to him.
Reginald says he started hearing voices telling him to strangle his wife and silence her forever. But Reginald thought 'If I killed her, I knew I would kill my kids and kill myself and I didn't want be that kind of violent person. Knowing that I had gotten saved and Christ dwelt in me, I knew I had to just get out of the situation. So I just packed my kids up and moved them off.”
Dr. Snow says the first thing to do with abuse victims is to get them in a safe place, away from the abuser. One of the things that we cannot do is to encourage victims to just jump up and leave. More victims are killed, murdered, mutilated, damaged and destroyed in the process of leaving.
Dr Snow says there is an urgent need to, 'Educate pastors, Sunday school leaders, program directors, heads of Christian schools, and anybody in any key position, about what violence is, what it constitutes, what the signs are, and what they need to do. Once we get everybody educated, then we need to have a place to give safety to the victim and a system where the batterer is put into accountability with someone or group who will be checking upon them regularly.”
At abuse intervention programs, the main thing that is addressed is people's belief systems. People have faulty beliefs like, 'I am supposed to control you. I'm supposed to manipulate you. You are supposed to do what I say. It is my right if you hit me that I hit you back and hit you harder.” Dr. Snow says the belief system has to be changed. 'We educate the batterer, and then educate the victim and tell him or her, you're a person. You're a human. You don't have to be a victim. God doesn't want you to be a victim and we don't want you to be a victim.”
Most importantly Dr. Snow says that if someone is experiencing any kind of abuse, he or she should, 'talk to somebody. Find a pastor, a family member, don't keep it a secret, don't push it under the rug because it will not get better.” For the abuser, the way to really end any form of domestic violence is by a change of heart. The Bible says, 'If any man be in Christ, He is a new creature, a new person.” You need a new heart to be able to stop the cycle of violence. You need to let God get rid of all of the low self-esteem, the frustration, the rage, and the anger, the love of God can permeate all of that. The Bible says, 'There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear.” Let us love one another the way Jesus showed love toward us when He died on the cross for our sins.
