Domestic violence is the physical, psychological, sexual, or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and forms a pattern of controlling behavior. Dr. Thomas Snow, a certified anger management Counselor believes that, “Violence is 80% learned behavior. Violence doesn’t come from anger. It doesn’t come from stress, it doesn’t come from alcohol, it doesn’t come from drugs. It’s a learned behavior that we choose to do. Anger is a secondary emotion, it’s not what we feel first. We get it from a primary emotion. Whenever we are angry, we get it from either fear or hurt or frustration. Now, whenever we are frustrated, fearful, or we are hurt, we automatically are angry.” Dr Snow explains that when individuals are not taught how to properly display the anger, “I’m hurt, but I don’t know how to display it,” we do what we do because of what we believe. We feel like, “I have to control this situation. I have to overpower this situation. Whether I do it physically or just through silence, I just have to control this situation.”
Reggie Barlow is a husband and father who once abused his family. Born to a single parent mom, but part of a close-knit family, his mother’s first cousin was one of the men in his life. There was alcoholism in the family and a lot of verbal abuse was taking place. When Reggie was about 8 or 9 years old, the mother’s first cousin cursed his mother, right in Reggie’s presence. Reggie says he remembers going to the kitchen and thinking “Enough is enough.” He just didn’t want to hear it anymore. Reggie grabbed a skillet from the kitchen, got up in a chair because he was so small and hit the man on his head with the skillet.
As Reggie matured, alcoholism and drugs became a big part of his life. When he got married, he couldn’t control the urge to curse and physically abuse his wife as well. For the most part it came up during arguments, where he always felt as if he were loosing the control he should have as a man. He would lash out and strike his wife.
Reggie always blamed his wife for the abuse and this mentality lasted for a long time in their marriage. Sometimes after the abuse, he would have some guilty feelings and go back to apologize to his wife and they’d go through a kind of honeymoon phase where he tried to do everything nice and tried to make the situation right, only to repeat it again after some time.
Dr. Snow says that it is very common after the violence, for what is called “the honeymoon stage.” The abuser will say “I’m sorry, please forgive me or I’ll never do it again.” But actually, the problem was never solved, therefore after the honeymoon stage, or the repentant stage, things begin to escalate. It’s like, the abuser starts to think, “I’m not going to keep saying I’m sorry. I’ve said I’m sorry enough and I’m not going to say it.” Then the cycle starts all over again.’
Reggie’s marriage lasted only seven years and his wife finally packed up her bags and left. He turned to drugs and took a turn for the worst. About three years later, while he was trying to move on with another relationship, his wife called and said God told her not to divorce him. Reggie sought spiritual help from his pastor and for the first time in his life, he opened up about his struggles and was completely honest. After praying with his pastor, Reggie got some clarity on what he needed to do. He realized that meant first, having the young lady living with him move out. Eventually, he relapsed into drugs and alcoholism yet again. Finally after getting fed up, he realized that he needed a change. Reggie asked Jesus into his heart and that was the new beginning for him.
After Reggie’s salvation, God introduced him to a network of godly friends and mentors who helped him in standing firm on the word of God. Reggie says “I’m connected with other men that I’m accountable to, that I value their respect. So I want to do what is right because I want the brothers in my life to know I’m trying to do what’s right. When I’m struggling, I have people I can turn to as well.” Reggie had to do a lot of forgiving; forgive himself, his mother’s family and his wife. His wife because she said certain things that really did hurt and that he needed to let go of. As a couple, they sought counsel and for weeks, were involved in personal development, counsel, and therapy. Personally, Reggie got one-on-one counseling, joined the substance abuse ministry and later joined the anger management group “Men Helping Men.” Today, Reggie’s marriage and home is restored. He has three sons and God has basically re-built his marriage, but on solid rock this time.
